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THEBOOK

The droning hordes of flies had touched down and were rolling up the city's southern slopes, when Sinkhole made the the first half block to a space between two hovels. Out of breath he chanced a quick look back. It was a chance he should not have taken. An advanced cloud of large reds that were far ahead of the main body and right behind him, covered Sinkhole in an instant. He managed to take a breath before he shut his mouth, but they bit through his eyelids and caused him to scream it out. The largest flies bit huge chunks of flesh from his tongue and around his mouth, and as much as he flailed and punched himself, he could do them little damage, and could not drive them away. His whole body felt like he had been sprayed with dragon fire and stuck with a thousand needles, as they began to devour him alive. He screamed helplessly and inadvertently inhaled some of them, as others flew away with parts of his ears and nostrils. How their trusted Captain came to meet his end would never be known back at the Smarty's headquarters, as well as the important message he bore them. The main body of flies quickly rolled over the feasting vanguard, and in a few minutes all that was left of the Sink-hole jumping champion were his bones and a memory.

PRISONER OF EVIL
By Simon Snotface

MAXIMUMROCKNROLL

Magazine #272

January 2006

This book almost made me vomit more than once.

Fantasy books often carry with them a wistful netherworld quality. New worlds are forged and good and evil are given a fresh environment in which to explore each other Fantastical creatures hold enviable powers while characters of heroic disposition get to experience imaginative adventures of great peril and reward. Sounds exciting and fun and full of pleasure and joy, no?

This book almost made me vomit more than once.

The place is Tiluria, a continent not unlike North America and Europe in it's climate and environs. Softskins are akin to (if not actually) humans, and we follow one of them named Akon, (about as close to a protagonist as anyone in this story gets as he fights in a war, escapes capture, gets recaptured, becomes a slave, endures torture, and eventually rejoins with his own cavalry only to meet a surprising fate.

Along his route he becomes a captive of the Gubs, possibly the foulest of all fictional characters whose society is based almost entirely around feces. To explain, the Gubs do not even stop to doodie but instead let it flow when ever the mood strikes. And the most certainally do not clean up after themselves. They live in the stuff, literally, making their homes out of the feces of other Gubs who are given a special additive so their feces has a stronger consistency that will withstand the elements.

This book almost made me vomit more than once.

Akon spends most of the book in the hands of Gubs and he lives through some pretty unspeakable torture. By the time he is free again he is found scalped and without ears or genitals or fingers or toes, he is inflicted with thousands of insect bites and worms and a dozen major diseases, and he has gone justifiably insane to boot. Readers aren't just told Akon endured theses things, we're told explicitly how he lost his appendages and what it's like being raped, and how one can survive being buried in shit while tramping through a city of flies.

This book almost made me vomit more than once.

That said the book is very well written. Like any fantasy book the names of locations and races and people are difficult to remember at first but you catch on pretty quickly. The story telling is as smooth and seamless as it is graphic and gross. The author isn't afraid to put his characters into interesting predicaments and come up with thoughtful ways to move the story along. If I were Hollywood-minded I would have been concerned that this book has no "good guys" but as it were I am not, and I enjoyed it's absolute badness. -Craigums

LASTBOOK

WANTMORE?

The Ministers of Dondoria
By Simon Snotface

MARCH OF THE HUNDRED THOUSAND

Immediately after finishing Prisoner of Evil, this short burst of creativity was put down on papar but SIMON has paused to do P.O.E.s sequel. He wanted to get back to writing about the actual people who portrayed characters in his roll-playing game because he seriously could not make up more insane stories of their differing personalities, as the ones created and naturally owned by the persons who participated.

The first three books he wrote were all centered around peoples' characters but being only single copies on paper, they were lost before they could be brought to digital print.

So SIMON got this out before it suffered a similar fate even though it reads like a short story, it is unfinished. The people who played the characters in the following are named at the end and there is a link at the end for emailing SIMON directly. Perhaps one day it will be complete.

This tale takes place more than fifty years before the meeting of Gaflok and Akon in what is refered to as the HappyTimes for Gubs.

Sitting around a table at Wank Manor in 1981 were five people playing in his campaign. He has written down what they actually said to keep the story as accurate as possible, as well as describe them as best he can. This is part of their tale.

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